This is the premiere of “Guest Posts” here at my site .
A very dear client asked me, if she could share her story (real story!) She is a beginner writer. A warm welcome here in my blog.
It’s a pleasure to have you here, Valentina … let’s read your 1. Post:
Today I decided to be Brave
The Angry Soon-to-Be Ex-Wife
By Valentina Wang
It’s late. I am sitting in front of my laptop. Just opened a blank page of Word.
I have no clue, how long I am sitting here already, staring on the screen. It’s now dark outside. If time is measurable in glasses of red wine, then I would say, I am sitting here and starring on thatscreen for the length of two glasses of Merlot.
The other thing I know right now is, that I am actually not quite sure, what I am going to do next.
My office cellphone just rang and a very dear client called me crying, that she needs urgently a place to stay…. If I am still offering in my office house… Airbnb?
What an irony!
Probably, this would have been a good moment to tell her, that she is not alone and that I am also having a very bad moment. But no, I couldn’t do that, somehow, I am still too pride to reveal so easily my pain.
So, I also need a place to stay. I need to get out of this house as soon as possible. Now, that I decided to be brave.
By now, I catch myself talking loud, alone here in my “west wing” of my still-husband’s house. And I am writing… All you are reading at this very moment.
Well, actually I could move to my office, I have in a small house.
But, that something I don’t feel ready to decide on…. Now… I will thing about my next living space tomorrow.
For now, I only feel this deep desire, in me, to write all my pain, my disillusion, my anger off my chest. All these emotions that Ihave accumulated during the last 11 years…. with a strong crescendo (as my piano teacher would say) in the last two and a half years.
The ideas are swirling in my head and if you ask me, what has happened or how I feel right now.
A lot has happened in the last 11. Years.
I am angry.
I am pissed off, at least I think that’s how some people would call my current feeling.
I feel hurt.
I feel not appreciated and certainly not desired and loved since a long time, 11 years. The last point, is something, I am actually not yet feeling ready to talk about.
So, let’s recap on “how” I got here, now, in front of my laptop screen with this blank page of Word:
Earlier this morning I woke up and I had that epiphany, I needed to take a decision concerning my marriage or better said, what’s left of my marriage. Does this sound familiar to any of you?
In different occasions and also today, during our phone-call, my still-husband had been very clear about his feelings.
His last birthday plays a very important role in all this and although, we still have had “good” times since that event, (we went for a vacation on my birthday, but then he ignored me on Mothers Day…) he says, that this was his deciding moment… when he knew, that this relationship was over for him.
So, did he take this decision 12 months ago?
I remember perfectly well his birthday. During weeks we had itchy moments, quarrels about “why” he is ignoring me as his partner ( At that time that red alarm light did not reach me!), why we don’t have sex, why I never know what he does in the evening during his business trips… the list is long.
But, come on, at that point of my life, I still was so naïve in thinking that these were peanuts and somehow, we would be able to manage these ups and down in our long-distance -relationship.
I call it a long-distance-relationship, as we sometimes only see on weekends or in the worst case 3 or 5 days during a month. Therefor communication, in all forms, has always been the priority– number– one on my bucket-list…. Yeah, but not on the one of my still-husband.
Yes, I have to admit, that I already had some very, very ugly and painful moments experienced with him. We are a couple and of course he also lived painful moments with me, too. Of course, he has his anger and disillusions.
But we can talk about that. Not talking only makes things worse and definitely is not a good base for solution-finding.
Finally, what couple doesn’t have strong fights and a pile or several of broken plates?
So, things got worse, after I was ignored on Mother’s Day. It hurt so much! I spent a long time crying in my car, my office and that’s when I started to analyze the last 12 months. What did I miss? What signs didn’t I pay attention to?
I think the astrological weather gave me a helping hand, as all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit. I got one insight after the other.
There was this red alarm light I didn’t see, when my still-husband presented his decision, he took about our relationship almost 12 months ago.
I have been so sad, so scared… feeling so helpless in the last four and a half months.
That’s what I remember, here and now, sitting and writing.
So, today is the big day… I called my husband and there it was again.
The purpose of my call was to sum up and somehow “verify”, what I finally understood …and to be sure that we are on the same line…. As I had a big news for him…, but before I could tell him that…
He was preaching a g a i n: ”I have taken a decision, I am living my life, I am travelling I am bying this and that, , I am going to the movies, I am … I am… I am… I am done with this relationship…”.
Yep! Among so many “I am “ there was definitely no space for me.
Yes Sir, without any doubt!
Also, he made it very clear, that he was in “no hurry” to get the divorce, as he still wasn’t dating anybody ( what do you think? I love to read your comments) ….
Well, that sounds generous!
But I had big news for him.
When he was taking a deep breath, I took my chance and just said: “I want immediately the divorce”!
So, that’s “how” I got here, now, in front of my laptop screen with this already 1130 written words in my new word file and after 3 glasses of Merlot.
How do I feel now?
I feel lighter.
Nevertheless, the pain is immense.
There is a big stone in my chest.
I feel exhausted and tired.
I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, next week. How am I going to live.
There is so much I like to share with you.
For now, I will try to sleep.
Oh, and by the way, I am Valentina Wang.